Monday, July 18, 2011

Considering Closing Youtube Account or Something

Its been a few months and I've been thinking a lot to myself.

That my youtube channel serves no purpose.  In reality from outside looking in, what I see is that I'm just a has been, a loser, blah blah blah. At least that's how I feel everyone who watches the videos sees me. It really started to come to light when I do my own project.  Sure it got some cheap laughs and a few praises but that's it.    No one really cares for the videos.  What ppl want to see from me is apparently pro stuff which isn't going to happen.  And then even more so complain that I'm not pro but I'm playing said game.  And then those that don't know have to bother with the questions that are easily answered if they just use common sense.

The reason I started uploading videos in the first place was so I wouldn't have to play the same game 40 times  just to get to 1 part I like in the game.  I don't keep multiple saves its not worth it.  And I rather watch myself run through this stuff instead.  I don't really like playing games over and over again unless its something I really like.  Even then I barely feel like playing it or have the time for it.  I just rather watch for the memories. I didn't upload for some quick step to fame.  If that was the case I'd be making money and living in the Rockys.  As selfish as it may sound, the viewers just popped up there.  I don't care if my videos are "Pro" or not I just want the memories.  If internet users wanted pro gameplay they would actually look for it.  Not click the first thing they see.

The real bad thing is I'm sick of dealing with people in general.  The ones that actually like the videos don't comment.  The ones that hate the videos or are just without common sense post.  What's worse is when I look back I still see past mistakes being thrown back in my face.  "The internet is forever" is a true quote.  I google my username and that's what pops up first is past mistakes.  Enough of em to the point that I just mentally break down. Ignoring it is impossible. I'm not a hermit like others I know.   I actually know what's going on around me and spend days at a time trying to figure out a way to solve it.  Also I'm not just some gamer that uploads videos.  I actually have things outside of this world wide web I like doing.

I know there are some that call thereselves my friends and some that are.  So I'm not really directing my anger at you.  But telling me to take time off from my problems won't solve anything.  At worse it'll create more problems.  I can't just ignore what others say I'm not a hermit I wasn't raised that way.  I'm at the point to where I can't even live up to my own expectations.  That 95% of what I'm doing will not get me anywhere in life regardless of whether its the right thing to do.  The world wants me to be something I'm not.  I would be lying to myself if I was to say it doesn't bother me. I keep considering thoughts of suicide from time to time.  (yeah yeah go ahead and laugh or whatever cause I'm apparently the anime character that always whines an emo).  I have no solutions to these problems and they just keep piling up.  So its why I've been considering closing my youtube channel.  Better for it to be closed than for ppl to always bring up crap from years ago to my face.