Thursday, April 26, 2012

What Goes On In My Head (If I'm Idle for Too Long)

Generally these days well since I feel into a depressive funk (I don't know when it started up again).  My thoughts generally revolve around some of the worst things I can think of.  Generally about stuff I already settled in the past or can't do anything about now.  Generally the most I can do is find something else to occupy my time so I don't randomly have these thoughts come up.  The problem with getting help for this is...well professional help is the fact that I lack insurance or any actual money to my name that isn't already owned by someone else.

So the most I can do is talk about it when I have the random chance to do so.  Or find something to do to prevent myself from being idle for too long.  I also find that watching TV or certain games/chat rooms can make things worse for my situation. Definitely can't watch a lot of anime or other normally scheduled shows as they tend to make me cry now or just feel overall bad asking myself why these things happen even though I myself know the answer to those questions.

While I'm not contemplating suicide (as even suicide cost money lol as well as many other things.).  It is slowing me down and/or making me feel rather sick.  It doesn't help that I see a lot of my friends on general road of there own self-destruction forcing me to keep strong and push my own problems aside for them. Really I have no time to feel down as there's too many people that need me.

I generally hate playing online these days as there's few people I know to play with. As well as the current generation of gamers that just utterly piss me off.  Even if they are just strangers and the many actions I took to prevent me from hearing them isn't enough to stop them from affecting me.  Generally the community is what made me lose my motivation in playing a lot of games.

Like I said the most I can do is find productive things to do and tire myself out.  So to hopefully get some sleep at night and to carry on throughout my day without thinking about things I can do nothing about. Video represent some of things I think about no not exactly what's shown but things I can relate general real life situations to.