Friday, November 1, 2013

Been practically a year since I had heavy thoughts of suicide..

And still riding on edge day to day between killing myself or not.  Back then I actually had a plan on how to go about doing it.  I figured that my death would change the world in some way. At least that's how I wrote it out anyway. Cause my plan was to do something big. I wanted to make it so that cyber-bullying would apply to more than just kids. But I was only deluding myself. I know for a fact that a law wouldn't come into effect ever. They would just say, "You're an adult suck it up." Even more so my death would do nothing but appear on the news for 2 days...maybe a week at best.  Even more so I would hurt those that ended up affected by me.

I still want to get away from all of this. I find these days that few people care about what I have to say on anything. Even more so more and more people tend to ignore me cause I'm not on the same subject as they are. Or maybe cause the things I do changed from what they're used to. All I know is I'm not acknowledge if I say hi. Stuff at home is no better. With no support towards what I want to do instead I get told what they think I should do. The friends I have or maybe had at this point pretty much forget I exist since I'm not playing the same games they are anymore.

To make it worse I had thought of great projects that either fail or just never get done. When I put everything I have into something for everyone to enjoy it apparently fails to get any appreciation. The other projects I say what's the point cause there's no support behind it. I've had many ideas where I just say "the hell with it".

I don't know how I'm still alive or why I haven't killed myself yet. Maybe I'm just pathetic enough that I don't even have the will to do so. Very few things I'm holding on to that keep me going. The Bible for one with its messages of encouragement. Comedy in the games I play. I don't really have much to say to the friends I have cause the shared interest is so little.

I'm still scared of what would happen if I drop down into suicidal thoughts again. And things still aren't looking good. Maybe I should just be happy I haven't killed myself in a year since that day. But even with the help I'm getting I'm not sure if its enough anymore. Even if I get this insurance I can't get medical help till next year. I honestly don't know why I'm typing this...maybe to try and feel better...